sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
