What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just pee around me
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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