dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
