I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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