true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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