This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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