Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
