If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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