This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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