maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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