Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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