for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
