textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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