from now on my penis is your penis
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
smell my finger.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
