Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I want to fling myself into the sun
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
