he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
