At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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