Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
