I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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