Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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