why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
