Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
