Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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