I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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