dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
