And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
