The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Pants are for mortals
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
