happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
