"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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