ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i already hear my dad disowning me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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