is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Let's get the cat blown out
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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