if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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