I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
