Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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