Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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