I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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