my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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