The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We are two peas in an std pod
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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