Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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