she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
