to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
