So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
