Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I AM VODKA MAN
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
