im about as happy as oj after his trial
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
