If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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