someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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