the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
