I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
