OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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