Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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