It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
